You know it's been a long, strange season of The Bachelor when the lead can't resist lightly shading his contestants on Twitter:
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I mean, we've all subtweeted our exes at one point or another, but to call them out as thirsty Bachelor in Paradise hopefuls is…well, OK, it's pretty accurate. I'll give you this one, Arie.
His tweet was to promote tonight's "Women Tell All" special, which is usually a highlight of the Bachelor season—in large part because the dude doesn't show up until the very end, giving us almost two full hours with the contestants to hash over their best and worst moments. There are also often some fun "Spot the Overly Enthusiastic Fan" moments in the studio audience. Which brings me to this woman, who sat front-row with a Bekah T-shirt:
Even Chris Harrison loves a good "Women Tell All" special—just look at that long montage of memorable moments in WTA history he uses to kick off the show. I wonder what scene from tonight would make the cut next season? Maybe Caroline confronting Arie? Or literally everything Krystal says? Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's a rundown of everything that happened. (Spoilers!)
Chris starts by reintroducing all of the women from this season. There are a few "Who?"s in the bunch along with season favorites like Bekah, but one woman in particular sticks out: Krystal. When her name is called, she gets a hearty number of boos from the audience. In fact, during a montage of this season's highlights and lowlights—including Annaliese's breakdowns, Glam Shame Gate, and KRYYYYSSSTAHHHLLLL—it becomes obvious that, love her or hate her, there wouldn't be much to talk about if it weren't for Krystal.
Next, we spend entirely too long going over the glam shaming incident. It ends with Chelsea giving Marikh a compact as an apology, which Marikh rejects. The whole thing is horrible, and honestly, all of the women are better than this.
Moving on to a slightly more legit thing to argue about: that time Tia told Arie that Bekah's too young for marriage. The other contestants are mixed between Team Bekah and Team Tia, but the back-and-forth doesn't really go anywhere. Tia did tell us after the show, though, that she hopes they can be friends someday. I hope so too!
OK, so—time to talk about Krystal. The women accuse her of being mean and inauthentic, and Caroline gets particularly worked up, even calling her a sociopath at one point. Krystal doesn't apologize or feel remorse for any of it; the furthest she'll go is to admit that dating a man who's with multiple other woman is not a good environment for her. Yeah, no duh.
Olivia, bless her, asks Krystal what's up with the baby voice. According to Krystal, she lost her voice going into the show and that…lasted for six weeks? OK, sure.
Anyway, Krystal finally says she's sorry for not considering the other women's feelings—but she doesn't regret anything because her estranged brother watched the show after he found out she was on it. Seeing her talk about their relationship made him realize how much she loves him, so he decided to contact the family again and transition back into housing. So, she says, it was all worth it because it's brought her family closer together. Ugh, Krystal, just when I'm ready to write you off as a villain you have to go and show us your human side.
When we get back from the commercial break, Chris brings Perfect Human Seinne on stage. She too was shocked that Arie dumped her in Tuscany, but after watching it back she realizes their relationship wasn't as far along as the others, so she's at peace with it. Chris asks a weird-ass question about how men "handle" all of her success, and Seinne gives a beautiful answer because she is the best. Basically, why wouldn't they be able to handle it? Their loss if they can't. I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll see of Seinne in Bachelor Nation—be it on Bachelor in Paradise or even as our next Bachelorette.
Next, Bekah gets her moment. She says she felt betrayed by Tia and judged for her age—not just by the other women, but in messages she's received from people watching the show. Bekah points out that she thinks Arie was projecting his insecurities that he's too old for Bekah onto her, and she makes a convincing argument. But the thing Chris really wants to know about is the whole missing person incident. Bekah confirms she was camping in the mountains near her friend's marijuana farm when her mom freaked out and filed her as a missing person. They call Bekah's mom to get her side of the story, and that's when Chris drops a bombshell: He wants Bekah to join the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this summer. YES. So. Here. For. It.
The last woman who gets one-on-one time with Chris is Tia. She's pissed at herself for feeling like she did something wrong, or that she's not good enough, after her breakup with Arie. The fact that he couldn't give her an explanation is what bothers her the most about the whole thing. But maybe Arie really didn't have an explanation because, according to Chris, he admitted he wasn't sure if he made a huge mistake or not by letting her go. Regardless, Tia's ready to move on and find love again…maybe on BiP???
Once Chris has caught up with the main players, he brings Arie out to face the women. Right away Arie tells Tia their breakup was hard but he just felt he was further along with the other women. Then Jacqueline pipes in to defend Arie for calling her Ph.D. dreams an obstacle; to her, it is one because it means she's not in a place to settle down. Arie agrees—for him it wasn't that she wanted to continue her education but rather that he wants to get married like, RIGHT NOW—and he applauds her for ending their relationship when she did. As for Bekah, that's also why he felt she was a little bit too much of a risk.
But then, just when we think we're done with Arie, Caroline says, "I know what you did, and I don't know how you could do that." Wait. WHAT DID HE DO!? We don't get any insight or answers, other than Arie saying we'll have to see how it all plays out.
Before Arie can leave the stage, he has one last confrontation with Krystal. After watching the show, Arie's seen a new side of her that he never saw during filming. He calls her out on some stuff, she doesn't feel regret any of her actions, and that's that.
The show ends with a blooper reel that humanizes Arie in way we never saw on the show. Where was that nonboring side of him this whole time? Then, randomly, John Cena, Ike Barinholtz, and Leslie Mann join Chris Harrison on stage to promote their new movie, Blockers. Uh, why? This might be the most awkward thing I've seen on The Bachelor, and this is a show that once had an extended scene of Ben Flajnik skinny dipping.
Anyway, tomorrow: What can we expect? Some dude looking for "his girl!" Tears! And more tears! Can't wait.
